Our story begins when Lori told me, "This is SUCH a GREAT thing!!!" Hey, I'm on vacation, oops, I mean at a conference, still why not?

I'll tell ya why not... no, wait. First lets discuss "hotel policy." Did you know, that even if you're at an obligitory dinner for the CONFERNCE you're supposed to be attending and you're late by ONLY 5 or 10 minutes, they $%*@* GO HOME!!! So we called as soon as we got out of the dinner and they said, "Oh! Well, you'll only have 10 minutes of a treatment and that wouldn't be worth it." That's when we found out that just making the appointment constitues PAYING FOR the appointment. So Lori says, "If I have to pay for it then I better get my 10 minutes worth of treatment."

The Salon is in BFE. So it takes us another 10 minutes to get there. Even after we called those stylist-wannabe's had the nerve to go home! So Lori, Customer Service Queen, asks to speak to the manager (because, she says, they didn't tell her about the cancellation policy and she has a problem with that. Rhonda says, because Lori was still pretty wound up {not having had a treatment yet} and needed an outlet. And yes, Lori is sitting here as I type this.)

Also, as I type this, we are passing the COOLEST windmill farm in North Palm Springs. Gawd, I love technology. Spent half the night making sure my batteries were charged! Lori says the windmill farm looks like something out of a sci-fi movie -- which prolly explains why I think they're so cool and Lori could give a $*!@!@#*

Back to our story... So Lori corners this so-called manager, flashes her fangs and snorts and snarls. (I'm trying to convice Lori this is a professional compliment... she's not buying it.) She says she *politely* asked "Sandra" if we could reschedule WITHOUT paying AGAIN. Sandra says, NFW. Lori says, "Perhaps you didn't understand me." Sandra says, "Oh! Can you PROVE you were at a conference?" THAT pissed Lori off! (Egads!) Lori says she contemplated lecturing Sandra on her customer service skills, but she doesn't think they would have stuck in her hair... you know, I think I forgot to mention about the Medusa-like hairdo good-ole Sandra was sporting. That said, you prolly won't be surprised to know that the serpents also protruding from her head let us narrowly escape. Lori whips out the mirror and says, "Take that you Medusa-looking bimbo!" and flashes it at her. The blood curdling scream could be heard for miles as she whispered out, "You can reschedule" right before she turned to stone.

You may not realize this but I'm recovering from a small heart stoppage as Lori slams on the brakes to avoid Palm Desert's Finest. What do you suppose the fine would be for going Warp 10 in a Warp 2 zone? (Lori says her version of jail would be having to look at the #$*!@# windmills out her cell window. Rhonda says: You get a window in jail?)

SO... the next day we were 10 minute EARLY, but apparently, like at the doctor's office, you have to be 45 minutes early to fill out paperwork and take a tour. What a shame we weren't early enough and missed the tour. (Lori got it the next day -- more on that later.)

So Trixie, the receptionist, takes us to the locker room to give us our robes, slippers, and locker key. I am immediately confused. Why, praytel, do we need robes? This is, afterall, ONLY a facial... Lori had failed to mention the degree to which they "work" on you (and I use that term loosely). So standing in the locker room, laughing at the befuddled look on my face, Lori is incoherent because she's laughing so hard. (She says, "Yeah. I was." She's laughing again.)

When my voice finally returned, I managed to get out, "Why do we have robes?" Through her tears of laughter, Lori says, "You have to strip." WHAT??!!!?!!?! NAKED??!?!?! FOR A FACIAL!!?!?!??! I know my boobs are drooping, but I hadn't realized my face was drooping as well. Lori once again confirmed this inappropriate level of nakedness and shoved me into a little closet to strip. From within the little room, I can hear her still laughing across the locker room.

So I come out, robe wrapped so securely I think it was cutting off the blood supply to my head. And grumbling? Oh my... the internet doesn't have the bandwidth for me to adequately describe my grumbling. Lori is stil laughing. Finally, she manages to form the words, "appropriate level of nakedness" APPROPRIATE?? THIS IS SO FAR FROM APPROPRIATE...!! "nononono... whatever you feel comfortable with." Where is my turtleneck sweater when I need it? I said, "You did NOT tell me appropriate level of nakedness!!!" Yes I did / No, you did not / Yes I did / No, you did not... So I go back in the closet to undo what Lori had essentially done.

I'm so pissed at Lori I won't even speak to her when "Olga" takes me to the torture chamber. The room is dark. I can hear the snakes hissing in the background and Olga, dominatrix extrodinaire, sits me in the contortionists chair (which looks something like a dentist chair -- plus, I found that I used the same cheek muscles while Olga was "working" on me as I do at the dentist office).

And then she says, "Take off that robe." I'm not sure, it was dark afterall, but I think I heard a whip crack in the background. Thank God, Lori retracted her earlier definition of "appropriate" else I would have had to kill her which may have put a damper on my vacation.

The "treatment" begins with her leaning the chair back, not horizontal, but just enough so that all the blood could rush to my head. This was so *helpful* for the killer sinus headache I already had.

So Olga then places some sort of pillow under my knees, not realizing I'm vertically challenged and I didn't have enough leg to go over the pillow and still have some left over. So THAT'S comfortable, yes, thank you very much. Then, she started massaging some sort of acid into my hands and wrapped them in plastic (what the hell was that about???) placing a warm, 210-degree mit over each hand. So I'm wearing these toxic waste gloves and she feels the need to cocoon me, binding my feet around the pillow in some sort of disfigured position. But she's not satisfied until my mitted hands are also sealed in.

So when Olga began samari massage chops on my face, it felt lovely. Obviously, she was going for the scream, tho, because she began rubbing strange snake-oil mixtures into my skin. Alone, this wasn't so bad. However the foo-foo mixtures that she was using was making my nose run. Of course the angle of the chair was such that it all ran into my head compounding the headache I already had.

But even that didn't compare to when she was trying to rub the foo-foo crap into my nose, blocking the only working nostril I had. This produced a noise... do this: block one side of your nose and now make a pig noise. Something like that. (Lori says, "Now go have some lunch! Yum, Yum! Bleych!")

And then the steam came. You'd think it would help my headache, but no. Normally, steam helps open my sinuses so they can drain. However, gravity was doing as much as could be done without me dying. I was trying to compose my last will and testament but the music overhead was so distracting!!

So then Olga then tried to remove all the foo-foo and rolled the towel up and screwed it up my nostril. (Thank you sir! May I have another?)

All good things must come to an end, but thank God the bad things come to an end, too. So Olga escorts me back to the locker room where Lori is already dressed and STILL laughing.

As we left the building, Lori asks, "Well? How was it?"

"Ohb, nob sob bad ebcept I cab't breav" And the laughing continued...

Postscript:

Just to get Lori back for the nakedness thing... We're parking the car and of course I'm still griping about having to take all my clothes off and of course Lori is still laughing. So I see this man (Lori says, "OLD man... white hair...") coming toward the car. And I waited til he was close enough to hear our conversation which had now moved outside the car. Then I said, just a little too loud, "Well you may be comfortable with getting naked at the drop of a hat, but I am not!"

Lori's mouth dropped open and that man *whipped* and stared at her... I still wouldn't call us even, but we're closer now.

The next day when Lori was getting her "wrap", she got the tour. Perhaps a little more tour than she anticipated. They brought her back to the sauna to regulate her body temp or something and in she walks on the set of "Cocoon 65: Debbie does Palm Desert" A bunch of old people, sprawled out naked. Poor Lori was just beside herself. Say it with me, "Awwwwww"